Embracing my inner bimbo.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Practicum is finally over.

To celebrate a fresh new start to my life as a Beginning Teacher, here's a spanking new bloggy:


Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Had a relatively good day in school, especially since I was able to leave early for once.

I had barely left for half an hour when the other trainees called me, saying that they've received their posting results. The 8 of us have been teasing each other about it, and praying really hard that we don't get a permanent posting to the school. [It's a long story which I'm not going to reveal here...] I was seriously having a panic attack on the way home. Checked the letterbox immediately and opened the letter with shaking hands.

HENG AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Called them up immediately to share the good news. Muahaha.

And I'm sooooo glad that Shreen and I are going to the same school.
[Me on the phone to her: "Hi Shreen. ***** ***** Primary School, here WE come!!!" We were practically shrieking with excitement over the phone. Haha]
Out of the 7 who are going to different schools, only 2 of us had the same posting. We're really darn lucky to get out of that school and be posted to another school together. I mean, what are the odds?!? I'm just thankful that I'll have company for the next 3 years. It's a fresh beginning, a brand new start.

I'm just feeling so happy now. =)

If only my Gordie darl was around to share the good news with me... He's off sailing again! Sigh.

Anyway, I'm beginning to feel the slight tinge of sadness at leaving my kids. Especially now that I know I'll never see them again after this Friday. My P3s are simply adorable, while my P5s are... hard to control, but still lovable sometimes.

There are some days whereby these kids can really brighten up my day. Today was one fine example.

I was walking back to the staff room during recess, when I stopped just outside the hall to speak to some pupils. It was almost time to assemble in the hall, so everyone was waiting outside. Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms grabbing me from behind and hugging me. I was shocked at first but started grinning once I turned back to see who the 'molester' was. Haha!

It was one of my lovable P3 girls. She held onto me tightly from the back, like a little baby. I asked, "Winnie, what's wrong?" And she just said "Bye bye Miss Chan... you're leaving already!!!"

Honestly, my heart just melted at that point. Any other teacher would probably have been horrified at this touchiness. Okay, the pupils probably wouldn't even think of doing such things to other teachers! But to me, it was such a heartwarming gesture which really brightened up my day. I might not be the most proficient teacher in terms of subject knowledge, but I know that I've at least managed to connect to the pupils on a personal level. I joke with them, share my feelings with them, talk to them like friends outside curriculum hours, and in turn, they tell me about their problems, share personal jokes with me and even ask me to tie their hair for them [that was just another memorable incident in my P3 class... =) ].

Then later, in my P5 class, my frustrations rose upon seeing the behaviour of some pupils. They have disappointed me greatly, honestly. But there's still a saving grace in the form of the girls and some better-behaved boys. They knew that it was my last lesson with them [because of changes in the timetable due to the exams], so the gifts and notes started to appear on my table in the midst of the lesson. It made me smile despite the anger. I don't need all these material things. All I wanted was their attention and cooperativeness, and I would have been happy. This class has made me laugh and cry, but despite everything, I guess I still have a soft spot for them.

At the end of the day, the pupils are the ones I'll miss most.

3 more days and it's sayonara. Having mixed feelings now. But I'm sure that I'll leave with my head held up high.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


The first weekend with the Love of My Life back was... nice. =)

And as much as I wanted to slack, he was the kan cheong one who kept asking, "Have you finished your lesson plans? Marking leh? Everything done already?" I had to assure him repeatedly that I had done what I was supposed to do, so we could spend time together without any worries. Hurhur. I think the 3-weeks absence warranted more time together, even if I had to sacrifice a little sleep to complete everything on Sunday night.

It was a leisurely Saturday and Sunday together, as we caught up and just basked in each other's company. And on Sunday evening, we headed down to the bridal studio to meet up with Mel and her hubby. I finally saw my bridesmaid's gown, and I must say that it's lovely! Tried it on to ensure a proper fit, and even my Gordie darl says that it's really pretty.
But of course, the focus on 26th May will be Mel... Her gown is the loveliest of all! =)

It's almost the end of the 2nd last week of practicum, but everyday is still a new experience for all of us. The stress hasn't died down, especially since the exams will start next week, which is why we have been chasing pupils the past few days to complete their corrections and ensure that everything is marked so that they can bring it home for revision. The 8 trainee teachers at my school have a saying that something 'exciting' will DEFINITELY take place every day. And trust me, we haven't been wrong so far.

Although it's almost the end, there's this sadness in me... I can't bear to be separated from the other trainees. We've really been through the worst shit the past 9 weeks. My best memories of this practicum will be the times we have spent sharing and pouring our hearts out to each other in the little room we've been placed in. We band together and stand up for each other, and we've seen all the tears [mostly mine, I admit], sweat and hard work. I don't think I would have survived if it weren't for these 7 people. Sigh.

On a more positive note though, I'm looking forward to our dinner date on 11th May! Muahaha. We've already planned to have a good feast on the last day of practicum, after leaving the school for the final time. Dinner, dessert, drinks - we've got it all worked out. ;)

And there are plans for a short getaway too... That just shows how close we've become, and also, how badly we need a break after the mental/emotional/physical turmoil. Haha.

Notice the difference in me? I think I'm finding myself again - the cheerful and positive side. There's a change coming this way, simply because I need a new space to share my thoughts. All will be revealed in time to come... Meanwhile, rejoice because tomorrow is Friday!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

My Gordie darl is finally back!

Left school earlier than usual and drove to Tuas Naval Base without getting lost. That is an achievement in itself, IMO. I soon found myself in the same place as I was 8 months ago. Caught up with Ivy and Linda, and as usual, we had to wait the longest for our men to appear. But there he was, eventually. It was so comforting just to see that familiar grin once again.

I've missed him so much, without even realising it.

Then of course, shit had to happen. Had to rush back to school to settle an urgent matter, while my poor boyfriend waited in the car patiently for me. My mood crashed. I really hate shedding tears over something so unworthy, but I find myself doing so too frequently over the past 8 weeks. They've ambushed my supervisor, talked bad about me, brought my mental and physical wellbeing to the lowest possible, left me to sink or swim. I'm putting in my best efforts. I've never worked so hard before. So if this is not good enough, then I don't know what is. I'm just not cut out for this profession, honestly.

But everything's alright, he's back now and we're going to spend more time together.

But everything's alright, it's Friday tomorrow. TGIF!

But everything's alright, it's the end of the 8th week. Only 10 more 'teaching' days and it's bye bye for good, not au revoir.

Just happened to be blog-hopping when I read this line from Melzone's blog:
Children don't kill teachers. Teachers kill teachers.

In the words of a true bimbo, I so totally agree.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

In all randomness...

The weekends seem to be the only time when I have the chance to really indulge in food. Like last night, when I picked up my dear girls up from home and work before heading for some oily prata and mee goreng at Bukit Timah. They never fail to cheer me up.

It's just one of those days... when I feel like doing nothing.

I brought piles of books and worksheets home to mark, but I don't feel compelled to mark them. Not yet. Maybe not today.

I just want to... live.

Random photos!

Had to leave school exceptionally early on Monday to head back to NIE for assignment submission. If it wasn't because of that, I would have stayed till the usual time of 8pm. Rushed over to that familiar place, but not before picking my sis up.

I made it just before 5pm and handed in my FINAL assignment. It was good to be back at NIE... Walking along the corridors, taking in the breeze and open-ness. There's just something about the place that makes me feel so carefree. And of course, it made me think about the good times I had there with my NIE girlies. Couldn't resist SMSing all of them. Sigh.

My sis and I ended up having our sinful lunch of Macdonald's (NTU student price - Much cheaper! Haha) in the car while chatting about everything under the sun... It has been a long time since I had the luxury of time to do that. Went to pick Mum up from work after that, and somehow, the whole family ended up at Bukit Timah Food Centre for dinner.

My crazy sibs and moi

This photo was taken on 23rd Feb, after Gordie darl's ship dinner at SAFRA Yishun.

The Navy guys' Significant Others -
Yiwen (the MT teacher), Ivy (the mother-of-two), Nelly, Linda and me!

... otherwise known as the ones who have been lonely the past 3 weeks. Hurhur.

Our paths probably wouldn't have crossed if not for our boyfriends/husbands, because of the differences in our ages and lifestyles. But what is amazing is that it didn't take long for us to clique and bond. It's comforting to know that we're all feeling the same during this period when the guys are out at sea.

To cope with the loneliness when I'm driving alone, I bought this cute little lion stuffed toy to hang below the rearview mirror. It reminds me of my Gordie darl, because like I've said before, he's a typical Leo (the horoscope) - confident, self-assured, loyal and dependable. The sign of Leo is a lion, which is why lions always remind me of him. Teehee.

It might just be psychological, but I do feel much better whenever I glance at the lion while driving...

FIVE more days before I see the Love of My Life again... I miss him so much!

To end this rojak post, I shall share my latest feel-good song. Hearing it makes me feel free-spirited and happy.

Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On

I wanna find myself somewhere, somehow...

Thursday, April 19, 2007


Had a bad day in school.

I was all prepared for my observation when I was told that I couldn't do it. No, no, no, I don't want to observe you today. I'll not go into details here but all I can say is that the negativity totally demoralised me. The first bell had rung and we were supposed to be in the hall for assembly but I just lost it. Went straight into the toilet and burst into tears. But I didn't allow it to last long. I wiped my face dry and headed into the hall with an expressionless face.

It's not fair. It's just not fair. My fellow trainee teachers have been voicing their injustice for me, but what can I do? Nothing.

Later on in the day, when I was telling the whole incident to Faith, tears of frustration just fell again. I really wanted to clear all the CT's observations by this week, so I can focus on the observations by my supervisor and Senior Coordinating Mentor next week. Why can't there be more flexibility and understanding there?

I just felt so crushed.

I rushed into the toilet once again and shut myself in a cubicle. I couldn't hold it in any longer. Just sat on the toilet bowl and cried my heart out. Thank God for Faith, who came in to check on me and to give me a warm hug.

I went for my next lesson less than 10 minutes later, and the moment I stepped into the class, I saw a curious expression on the face of one of my P3 boys.

From where he was seated, he asked, "Miss Chan, are you ill?"

[Because of the crying bout, my nose was red and my eyes were bloodshot, which is probably why he asked that question.]

"Yes, I'm not feeling very well. *faint smile* "

The same little boy came right up to me and asked,"Miss Chan, you're ill? Do you have the flu?" The concerned look never left his face.

Right at that moment, I felt my frustration and bad mood dissipate. My heart just melted.

I smiled at that little angel and assured him that I was alright.

I guess that's the magic of working with children.

At the end of the day, no matter how mischievous and disobedient they are, we know that they are harmless and innocent.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the kids make all these struggles, tears and fatigue worth it.

If only the adults could be more like them.

Regardless, it's Friday tomorrow. The end of yet another week.

Will be meeting my dear girls for supper tomorrow night, and Gordie darl will be home in less than a week's time (*crosses fingers* That's if they're not affected by the tai feng in Taiwan...). Will probably be heading out for a movie and lunch date with my darling sis this weekend too.

So many activities? Well, I've been going to work earlier and ending later everyday. A supposed 6-hours day is turning into a whole THIRTEEN hours in school every single day. I seriously need my life back. Not going to bother about everything else anymore. I don't ask for a Proficient or Excelling, just let me pass and I'll be happy. I don't dare to ask for more.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Happy 22nd, dearest!

Here's a huge shout-out to my darling Justina -


As promised, here is your present No.10: A video specially made by me! Why is it considered a present? Because I put my sweat, blood, tears and time into it. Teehee.

Watch on babe...

Like it?!? *grins*

The last song used is The Birthday Song by Corrinne May, and I find the lyrics so appropriate and meaningful:

'' Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids' shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul you've helped to grow
A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true ''

May you continue to receive blessings of love, joy and success in your life, dearest. Your next phase will start in July, and I'm sure you'll do a kick-ass job at that big big company. ;)

Enjoy your special day, and may you always be happy.

Lotsa love,


14th April 2007: Justina's 22nd birthday celebration @ Vivocity and Cafe Del Mar

Had an early start to the day as I rushed around buying all the presents on my list. Zhen and I had made a deal to give Justina 22 presents altogether: 10 from her + 10 from me + combined present no. 21: a cake + combined present no. 22: a surprise. In the end, the surprise couldn't be carried out (for reasons that shall not be divulged...), so I've decided to take charge of that and give her something else... She doesn't even know what it is yet so I shan't reveal anything. I'm sure she'll mention it in her blog! Go read it tomorrow or on Thursday! Hurhur.

Anyway, we managed to meet up with everyone else at Vivocity on Saturday evening, and boy was Justina surprised to see so many people. I had invited all the guys and Stace, which was something she didn't expect. Turning 22 doesn't mean you can't have a big celebration, darling. =)

We settled at White Dog Cafe for dinner, where I had the chicken fillet...


and Zhen ended up ordering some King Scallops Pasta which turned out to be squid ink noodles!

Looks so weird right?

The masterminds:

After dinner, Zhen and I conspired to head to the toilet. Well, it wasn't really a conspiracy lah... Coz' I REALLY had to pee!!! But on the way back, we sneakily headed to Haagen Dazs to collect the 2kg ice-cream cake we had pre-ordered.

The staff at White Dog Cafe were really helpful and obliging. They went out of the cafe to take the cake from us and brought it into their kitchen to open and set up with the candles (so as not to arouse any suspicion from Justina. We wanted to make it a total surprise!).

Needless to say, our dear girl was in shock.

She finally got her wish - ice-cream cake for her birthday. =)
justina cake

The birthday girl had difficulties using the plastic knife to cut the hard ice-cream cake, and the cafe staff actually took over by bringing the cake back into the kitchen and cutting it up for us. Wonderful service there.

One of my pressies to Justina was a birthday Barbie (coz' I know she is a little girl at heart...), and Zhen gave it to her, on the pretence that it was our combined birthday pressie to her.

The look on her face says it all. OMG....

I was just content to eat my cake. Hurhur

The after-dinner activity was to head to Sentosa's Cafe Del Mar, since Justina has been yearning to check the place out for ages. Not everyone came along though, the number dwindled down to 4 guys and 6 gals.

We were still excited though. Especially me! I've wanted to take a ride on the Sentosa Express since it opened! And I finally got the chance that day...

All crowding around the door. Haha!
sentosa express

Stace, Zhen and me... It was shaky in there!
stace zhen eve

We reached Cafe Del Mar rather quickly, which is a sign that Sentosa is doing something right about its transportation system.

It took us girls a while to warm up...

... whereas the guys had no problem whatsoever.

They were happy to see all the bikini babes lah. Hurhur. But after a while (plus a bit of influence from the alcohol), the cam-whoring and craziness started!

Me, Just and Zhen had specially bought flower hairclips when we were in town the previous week, just for this occasion! So we whipped them out and put 'em on... Not afraid to look hua-chi. ;)

Me and Just
eve just

Flower Power!
flower power

That's pretty much the only proper photos we took for the rest of the night... We went bonkers after that.

Evidence #1:

Evidence #2:

Evidence #3:

And of course, Justina and I couldn't help but relive our Bangkok memories...

Toilet?!? (Hurhur... Private joke)

We were not intoxicated (I barely drank anything! Was driving so had to be safe, you see...), just crazy. :P

Can't aim properly...

And I really lurve these two shots:
HPIM1307 HPIM1304

It just proves once again how cheeky Just and I can be, and that we're best friends for a reason... Muahaha.

We took full-length shots after that, but I only have the one with Zhen. Justina, send me the ones both of us took together! We were wearing such similar skirts, so the photos must have turned out nice!


After taking all those shots, Zhen suddenly pointed the camera in my face, so I...

She couldn't stop showing the photo to everyone after that, proclaiming how cute I look in it. I think I just look silly.

We had to leave Cafe Del Mar at 11.30 in order to catch the last Sentosa Express back to Vivo, but not before I took a walk around with Stace, just to soak in the beach atmosphere. It's a nice place. =)

Zhen, Mond and moi...

One more shot of the 3 of us, just to show that we were once at Cafe Del Mar together!!! Teehee

Couldn't resist...

I definitely look and feel different during the weekends. No, make that Saturdays only. I look and feel like complete shite on all other days, because of... oh, never mind. Let's not digress from this happy topic.

So I drove all the girls back safely to their blocks, and was thoroughly exhausted by the time I reached home close to 2a.m. But it was definitely a fun, fun, FUNNNN night. Darling Stace made me laugh so much the whole time, I couldn't help but thank her for cheering me up.

And of course, seeing the smile on our birthday girl's face made all the effort and fatigue worth it. More things could have been planned and more effort could have been put in, but we did our best already. I'm glad that you enjoyed yourself babe. Keep smiling =)

Here's to more birthdays!

P.S. You'll receive your final birthday pressie from me within the next 12 hours or so... It's only a matter of time!!! :D

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Have been in such a sucky mood the whole day.

After crashing last week, my stupid old lousy laptop refuses to cooperate with MS Word. I can install the program but it just can't be opened. It's so frustrating coz' I can't work on any lesson plans at home, which means that I'll be rushing every day this whole week to complete my lesson plans for the next day. And that also means that I'll have to be in school by 6a.m. tomorrow to edit and complete my lesson plans.

Took a breather just now by walking over to the carpark near Gordie darl's block to warm up his bike. And I realised just how much I miss him. It's easier to cope with it when I'm busy with work, but like Stace mentioned last night, the loneliness will return to haunt at night...

While on my way home, the tears threatened to spill once again. The combination of missing the Love of My Life and frustration at not being able to complete my lesson plans at home just made me feel so vulnerable.

I sent an SMS to him immediately: "I just went to warm up your bike... I miss you so much... :( "

Then, his call came in an hour later (just a while ago)... It was so comforting. Just hearing his voice made me feel so much better.

I just have to get through this week (3 observations again...), before I start looking forward to his return in a matter of days.


Still here...

I know I've been neglecting this space here... But time is really not on my side these days. I've been going to school earlier and leaving later these days. 6.15 am - 7.50 pm. I no longer feel tired. I'm just... numb. Numb to the physical and mental fatigue.

I just want the next 4 weeks to be over quickly.

Meanwhile, here's a quick recap on my boring life over the past week or so.

6th April (Friday):

It was a day I was dreading, yet looking forward to. How contradicting huh?

Well, I was dreading it because it was THE day that my Gordie darl sailed off to Taiwan. He has been such a great source of motivation and support throughout the first few weeks of practicum - putting up with my whines, complains and sudden bouts of tears. Which is why I felt so helpless that Friday morning, as I gave him one last hug at Tuas Naval Base. While driving home on my own, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. In the closed confines of the car, I started to sob.

He has called me twice since reaching Taiwan on Tuesday (they're sailing there leh, not flying...Can't imagine being confined to that cramped space with so many people for so many days. RESPECT. P.s. I'm a mild claustrophobic.). That's one of the few things that keep me going these days - anticipating my darling's phone calls, waiting for his return in 11 days' time, and the thought of spending time with him once practicum ends in mid-May. He'll most likely be able to take leave then so we'll either go overseas or escape to the little island nearby... =)

Now, for the reason I was looking forward to Good Friday: I finally got to meet up with my dear girls and secondary school pals!

After telling the babes about my Qian Hu fish farm experience with Gordie darl, they were excited to try it out too. So I made a date with them and off we went!

At Qian Hu, with Justina...
<a href=

With ah-Zhen...

It was my second time trying out the fish spa thing, so I wasn't that scared. My feet were submerged in the water in no time, which definitely made the fish very happy coz' they were nibbling away at my dead skin in no time!

It was a different story for the first-timers though...

They were freaked out by all the tiny fishes! Justina had that look on her face the whole time we were there. Hurhur.

After 15 minutes or so, Zhen managed to leave both feet in the water without deafening the rest of us. Our dear nA still couldn't bring herself to do it... Here's photographic evidence:

Our legs - Me, Zhen, Justina, unknown girl.

"Hmmm I wonder if they bite........."

One last shot before we left Qian Hu!
3 of us

We have always been reminiscing about the past and talking about how long it has been since our last neoprint (November 2004), so the next item on our itinerary was to head to Heeren for some sticker shots.

No.1: Neocards!

No.2: Neoprints

Lurve all our pretty shots... We were lounging on the smelly cushioned benches like wannabe-models lah. Hurhur.




My ultimate favourite:

Don't eat us!!!

You won't want to know how this shot came about. But I can't help but giggle whenever I see it.

After taking forever at that shop, we finally met up with the rest of the sec sch pals at Orchard Shopping Centre's Sakura. It was our monthly pig-out session!!! So so so happy to see everyone again. The last time we met up was for the CNY reunion dinner in February.

There were no photos taken at dinner, which only proves one thing: We were so busy stuffing ourselves with food that we couldn't be bothered to whip out our cameras!

The last activity of the day/night was karaoke at Fairway Country Club. Beehui is a member there so we decided to try it out instead of spending an exorbitant amount at Kbox or Partyworld.

It's quite good, actually. The songs are all new, the room is big and fitted with enough sofas for more than 10 people, there are two TVs, and best of all, we only paid $10 each for 3 hours of singing! Totally worth it.

And the best part was that I had so much fun and forgot all about work momentarily, thanks to the pals, and especially my dear girls. Zhen was in such a crazy mood throughout the night and made me laugh so much. Gosh. I couldn't help SMSing her something after driving them home that night - It has been such a long time since I 'saw' my cheerful and siao Zhen. This side of her has been hidden by the drudgery of work the past year. But it was good to see her really having fun. For those few hours, it was like we were young and carefree again, with no worries and stress.

Me and Just...

8th April (Sunday):

Other than trying to finish marking my pupils' books and worksheets(my laptop actually crashed on Saturday morning, which made my mood drop to the lowest possible. I was rendered helpless because I couldn't do any lesson plans at all), Sunday was a slow and lazy day... The only interesting thing was meeting up with Melissa and her hubby to get fitted for my bridesmaid's gown. The choosing of colours was the most nerve-wrecking. Shall post a photo of it once the dress is ready and I go back to the shop to try it out. I'm getting increasingly excited about it! =)

That's about it... Monday - Friday was work, work, work. It has been a busy week with 3 observations squeezed into two days. Thank goodness I had something to look forward to, which was Justina's 22nd birthday celebration yesterday (14th April, Saturday) with the sec sch pals. We had such a wonderful time. Shall update again once I receive the photos (we took A LOT, trust me), and when I have the time.

Continue keeping me in your prayers. To the other trainee teachers, hang in there. We're almost done.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Still alive...

I'm slowly getting out of that deep dark abyss I fell into. I feel more positive about work now, I can laugh, I can smile... There are still days whereby I feel that I can't go on working like this anymore, but they are getting progressively lesser. I might never get out of this hate phase totally, but at least I have more determination now. I guess I've learnt to accept that I'll be stuck here for the next 3 years. I'm just gonna give my best while I'm at it.

The last weekend definitely helped to cheer me up a little. I haven't gone out or socialised at all the past 5 weeks, and I decided that it's time to see the world once again before I really go crazy.

Besides, how could I miss my dearest cousin's tea party? =)

Mum and Dad drove my sis and her boyfriend over to Kuma's place, while Gordie darl and I rode the bike over...

After so many weeks, here are photos of us once again:

My darling and me...
Yes, those are worksheets you see on the table. I had to bring them along to mark. Total madness.

KL and Mell...

We stayed in the function room for hours, just indulging in the food and engaging in senseless banter. I miss times like this. Sigh.

Then, it was time for cake-cutting.

There wasn't a proper cake though. Cupcakes were used instead!

So cute right? The colours are so cheery and bright... I like!

They were baked by Kuma and the birthday girl herself, and were absolutely delish! You know who to contact if you need yummy and pretty cupcakes. ;)

My loveliest Kuma whom I adore to bits.

And of course, we couldn't miss out on a shot with the pretty birthday girl Areta.

Before I forget, happy 20th birthday dear Areta. *sloppy kisses and warm hugs*

Gordie darl and I left at 8plus, and headed to Vivocity for our long-awaited movie date. It has been ages since we had the time to go out, let alone watch a movie! While waiting for the midnight movie to start, we just spent our time talking... Quality time has become such a rarity for us that we have to treasure every moment.

He'll be sailing to Taiwan at the end of this week and will only be returning at the end of the month. I hope I don't break down again like I did last year. This time round, with the added stress of practicum, I really have to be very very very strong to get through the days without him around.

At least I'll have some things to look forward to... Like the fish farm date with my dear girls, the buffet dinner with the sec sch pals this Friday and Justina's birthday celebration at (tentatively) Cafe Del Mar in mid-April.

Press on, fellow trainees. We're at the halfway mark already.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

thank you

Feeling slightly better this week. Just a teeny weeny bit, but any improvement's worth celebrating.

I guess what I really needed was to let it all out. Cry my heart out.

Which was what I did yesterday.

Was so miserable over the fact that I fell ill during this period, that I refused to do anything for three days straight. I did try, but just couldn't complete anything.

Faith SMSed me, asking if everything was alright. I replied and my tears started to drop.

Then, she called me. That's when the dam finally broke.

I cried and cried and cried, and she just listened on the other end of the phone.

I choked, I didn't say anything at times, but she was just there in her calm and patient way.

And at the end of our 45 minutes conversation, I felt much better. I wiped my face dry and told myself, NO MORE TEARS.

Back in school today, I could feel the slight difference.

She was the one who saw my tears during the Teaching Assistantship last July. This time round, she's the one who heard me break down.

Thank you, Faith. For always being around in your silent ways. I really appreciate it.

Thank you to other dear friends of mine too, who have been here for me without fail.

June posted a prayer on her blog, which I've learned to utter to myself during morning assembly after morning prayers. For some reason, it always makes me feel better. Thank you gurl for sharing this:

God, I know that I am weak, but You are strong.
Right now, i acknowledge that I need your strength and guidance in getting through this day's lessons smoothly.
Please help me.
thank You.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Saturday, March 24, 2007


The price in exchange for my happiness and freedom.

If only I had the guts. Or money.

finding joy

It has been a rough week, as most of you have seen.

Although the weekends are here, my spirits haven't been lifted... The Love of My Life has been quite ill, and he's suspected of having chicken pox [he was in direct contact with a colleague who was later found to have it]. He's displaying most of the symptoms but I'm having my doubts that it IS really chicken pox because the symptoms will usually appear only 10-21 days after contact with an infected person. It was only two days ago that he talked to his colleague.

Anyways, even if it is chicken pox, I'm not worried because I've had it before so my body is now immune. I'm just worried about him. We need to find out the cause for this sudden bout of illness.

When I left the LOML last night, he had just taken Panadol and was about to sleep. I left instructions to call me if he needs to go to the doctor in the middle of the night or this morning, but he hasn't. I don't want to disturb his rest by calling incessantly. My darling should still be sleeping... Hopefully, he'll wake up feeling much better.

Until he calls me, it's back to more marking. More lesson planning.

On another note, I was driving the car last night while on my way to buy dinner and medicine for Gordie darl. When Daniel Powter's Bad Day came blasting through the speakers, I found myself singing along loudly. The lyrics couldn't seem more apt, especially one sentence after the bridge -

"So where is the passion when you need it the most..."

Where is my passion for teaching when I need it the most? Sigh. I'm still trying to find it...

Singing while driving? THAT'S therapeutic.

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Thursday, March 22, 2007

6.55 a.m - 7.45 p.m the past three days. Back home, it's more marking and more lesson planning. No life. No enjoyment. One word to sum it all up - Craziness.

Burnt out.



Mood swings.



The tears well up with just a mention of all the frustration I'm feeling, and I find myself having to clench my jaws, swallow the lump in my throat and force the tears back.

I won't allow the crying to start. Not yet. Hopefully, not ever again.

I'm trying my best already... Really... We all are. But I seem to have serious problems dealing with the stress this time round. I don't know what's wrong.

It's almost the end of the 3rd week of practicum. Will I be able to pull through the remaining 7 weeks? I really don't know now.

Several times, I wanted to give it all up. Throw in the towel. Just curl up in bed and refuse to face the world. But I pulled myself up each time. I don't know how long more I can do it. I can't find the strength within myself to do it anymore. The determination is diminishing. The passion is fading. The energy is disappearing The candle is burning out.

I fear that I might be becoming depressed. I can't find any reason to be optimistic about teaching, although I know deep down inside that there ARE many reasons.

I don't want any pity. I don't want anymore words of comfort or concern. I appreciate it but I don't want it now, because I know that my strong facade will break down once I'm given the chance to voice out all my stress and problems. And once the facade is gone, all that will be left of me is a weak and lost girl.

I don't want to shed any more tears over this.

I really hope next week will be a better one for me. I need it to be.

Just get on with it, Eve.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


The dam was this close to breaking today. It almost did. But I composed myself, determined not to let my weakness show in front of them. My greatest weakness of all - getting too emotional.

But thank you all (friends and readers) for the encouraging and comforting comments/SMSes. It means a lot to me.

The only thing I'm looking forward to now - Gordie darl's return tomorrow. Hoping that he'll make it back earlier than the stipulated time so we can at least meet for dinner. I need his shoulders and ears. :(
If not, we'll only get to meet on Friday because of Thursday's dinner with the sec sch gals... which is something else that I'm looking forward to, of course.

Just living day by day now; counting my blessings and trying to find joy in what I do.